P4+MSandoval

A. Thesis statement and essay unity.


 * //In order for a government agency to safely transfer for a non-native organism to a foreign country, two crucial aspects must be taken into consideration: the inhabitant’s lifestyle and the potential dangers of unintentional organisms.//**

1. Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2) I //didn’t write a conclusion//

2. Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3) //Although the beginning of the first paragraph relates to the topic of potential dangers of unintentional organisms, at a given point I no longer talk about what is argued in the introduction paragraph. I go on in a pessimistic view that there is no way to fix regulations within the system of importation and exportation.//

3. Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5) //The thesis statement makes a negative statement in only focusing upon what has to be done for proper regulation of goods, and its effects it has caused. There is no recognition of any good to come from these mishaps.//

4. Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? //The thesis holds an argument that seems to point out obvious flaws in the system of exportation and importation. Thus this is an argument that could be broken down into a more specific position on the subject matter, and then there could possibly be a worthwhile position upon the system of exportation and importations.//

5. Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) //Not every clause is in active voice (Conflict of unsafe transfer could be disastrous) (Epidemic of major proportions would not only cause imbalance.)//

6. Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4) //Although my thesis statement answers what should be done, it does not go into neither why or how. It simply states that in order to improve this present system we must take, “into consideration: the inhabitant’s lifestyle and the potential dangers of unintentional organisms.”//

7. Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)? //My thesis is precise in terms of what should be done and why it must be done. However it is not controversial thus it seems like its regurgitating common knowledge rather than advising the unknown.//

B. Introduction and conclusion.


 * //In order for a government agency to safely transfer a non-native specie to a foreign country, two crucial aspects must be taken into consideration: the inhabitants lifestyle and the potential dangers of unintentional organisms//**. The conflict of unsafe transfer with the already established lives of these natives could be disastrous to their everydaylifes. Epidemics of major proportions would not only cause a imbalance in one country, but could disrupt the flow in international trade.

No conclusion

1. Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) //My first paragraph is not interesting, but it does state a given position. However it does not provide specific material that catches anyone’s attention, much less focus on the topic.//

2. Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. //My essay does not make a clear contract with the writer.//

3. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d) //N/A: no conclsuion//

C. Body __Topic Sentences__ -In order for a government agency to safely transfer a non-native specie to a foreign country, two crucial aspects must be taken into consideration: the inhabitants lifestyle and the potential dangers of unintentional organisms. -Each given region is accustomed to a certain source of food and a specific type of land. The trade amongst nations forms part of this natural flow. __Worst Paragraph__

__Best Paragraph__

1. Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? (2)Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? //The paragraph moves in a logical direction, however as the essay is read there is no sense of coming to a given point. There are jumps from one point of view to another; first I transition into unintentional transfer of organism, as if about to argue what should be done, to jump to the conclusion that nothing can be done.

Strongest transition: The trade amongst nations forms part of this natural flow. However if outside factors come into play that do not coincide with this norm, animals could die, soil might be damaged, not to mention the credibility of whoever exported the organism.

Weakest transition: That would be ridiculous and harmful to nations on many levels. There we do what can be done, in terms of what we know today. Although it is true those epidemics such as SARS in the United States and Asia have numerous possible means, “Planes trains, ships, and automobile.” (source B).//

3. Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. //My essay would not be persuasive to someone who did not agree with my thesis. They would probably be more assertive with their own point of view after reading how poorly I attempt to argue my opinion. -It could be said that safety measures were taken, yet, “organisms such as snakes….we import intentionally, however, pales in numbers beside the masses of smaller living things we set in motion incidentally.” (Source E) Is it truly possible to calculate what measures can be taken in order to prevent all catastrophes?// Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? //I do not write about actual people in my essay; however it would help the argument stated in my thesis. Instead of writing that nothing can be done to prevent mishaps, I could have used a specific example to help prove the point in the beginning of the first paragraph.//

4. In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4) //I do not answer the “How do you know?” rather I put myself in the doubting readers shoes and doubted myself. Instead of having concisely supported the idea of monitoring the transfer of unintentional organisms, I went to state that there was no possible way to monitor all these organisms. The introduction, and the beginning of my first paragraph somewhat defend my thesis statement, where as the rest of the essay jumps from one perspective to another.//

5. Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? (DIH 2.4, 31a 1 and 3) (6). Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? //The little bit of evidence given is stated clearly. However neither each sentence nor each paragraph leads to a central point//

(2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least? (7) Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? //My most coherent paragraph is the introduction. My least coherent is my first paragraph. The essay does not consist of fully developed paragraphs.//

8. Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors? //This essay is not clearly written and is far from being free of errors. My most frequent error is in usage, sentence structure, run on sentences.//

Overall:

1. How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? //This is essay is not interesting at all, therefore I see no audience that would enjoy my essay, well possibly someone who is trying to show a example of what not to do. The only part of my essay that is not completely boring is my introduction.//

2. How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why? //This essay is not effective at all, it lacks many variable that would create a persuasive essay: first of which is a strong argument, and strong points to defend this argument.//