P3+AAguilar

A. Thesis statement and essay unity.
 * //Although the transportation of living things may seem essential, there are several risks associated with it, that one must consider before transfering a nonindigenous species to another country.//**

1. Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? ([|TS 2])Yes, I showed the different ways that importing and exporting living things between countries have impacted different ecosystems, and have even had an affect on humans. "In this case the import of civets may have contributed to the 192 infected individuals in the US that suffered from the often fatal virus." 2. Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? ([|TS 3]) Yes, everything mentioned in my thesis was touched on; however I included some other information that was not in my thesis, to strengthen my viewpoint on the situation and touch on possible reasons for transporting organisms, and taking the risk of foreign pathogens.” Unfortunately, this dangerous transportation is starting to become vital, as the human population surpasses 6 million and many countries lack 'infrastructure, food security, and environmental resources'(Source C), but something has to be done to help prevent all the flaws in our transferring system, otherwise the 6 million may soon fail to exist." 3. Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? ([|TS 5]) My claim is positive, as I did not use the word "not", and I stated what I needed to in an objective manner by saying "...there are several risks associated with it, that one must consider..." instead of saying something like "...it is very dangerous and nobody should ever...". In other words I give people the opportunity to form their own opinion as they read my argument and viewpoint. 4. Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? Yes, it directly follows the prompt, which tells us to "evaluate what a business or government agency would need to consider before transferring a hardy but nonindigenous species to another country." My argument against the transportation of living things is definitely an important argument, as it is answers the prompt with evidence found in the documents. 5. Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? ([|TS 6]) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) All the clauses in my thesis are active, and include the following verb phrases: may seem, there are, associated with, and consider before transferring. 6. Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay([|TS4]) Yes, in the following ways: > "Why?":"...there are several risks associated with it..." > "How?"-"...one must consider before transferring a nonindigeous species to another country." > 7. Is your thesis statement clear [|(TS 7)], precise and limited ([|TS 8]), controversial or informative ([|TS 9]), and defensible? I would say that it is controversial or informative, as it leaves people wanting more of an explanation, since it lacks the evidence brought up in the argument. > B. Introduction and conclusion. > **Introduction:** > Ever since transportation between countries became possible, people have been importing and exporting goods between nations to increase economic wealth and obtain the essential and material items desired. During these transports several unwanted organisms, and illnesses, have been transported as well, creating somewhat of a problem. **//Although the transport of living things may seem essential, there are several risks associated with it, that one must consider before transferring a nonindigenous species to another country.//** > **Conclusion: (I did not have time for a proper conclusion, so I tied the end up with this.)** > Unfortunately, this dangerous transportation is starting to become vital, as the human population surpasses 6 million and many countries lack "infrastructure, food security, and environmental resources"(Source C), but something has to be done to help prevent all of the flaws in this transferring system; otherwise the 6 million may fail to exist. 1. Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) Yes, It brings up some of the key topics used in my argument throughout the body of my essay. 2. Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. My contract is to discuss the importance of keeping unwonted agents out of the nation where goods are being shipped, and to show the impact that these organisms may have when introduced into the native land. 3. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d) No, it ties up the main point of the essay, but does not expand on the opposing argument, which creates a problem for the reader, as it could lead them to infer that I don't have a counter-argument.

> C. Body > When shipping anything there is a risk of unwanted organisms coming along too, but the risk is increased when you are transporting living organisms themselves, as they "provide an increasing reservoir of potential invaders."(Source E) For example the balsam fir trees are deteriorating in population due to the accidental import of the balsam woolly adelgids insects (Source A), some organisms are just not meant to be in the same area for biological purposes. Sure survival of the fittest is always in act, but it does not take into account the influences of man, which could alter the entire biological system resulting in a collapsed food-chain that could end life if progressed to a certain point. Native organisms are vital to the ecosystems around them, but they are also often more susceptible to foreign pathogens due to the fact that they have lived under similar conditions for such a long period, and they haven't evolved defenses against them, as they have not been exposed to them before. For example, the papaya ring spot virus, nearly wiped out the entire papaya industry, which had been a vital source of income to many planters on the Big Island of Hawaii.(Source D) This is yet another example of the harms that foreign organisms can have on plants, and humans indirectly, but the importing/ exporting of goods has also had a direct impact on humans in several cases. "US Department of Health and Human Services banned the import of civets [since]...animal traders...show a higher incidence of exposure to the SARS virus."(Source B) In this case the import of civets may have contributed to the 192 infected individuals in the US that suffered from the often fatal virus. So is it really worth it to risk lives? 1. Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? My initial plan was to go from the individual species affects from foreign invaders, to the impact it has on us, and then to counter-attack the subject. Unfortunately, time did not allow me to do this affectively; I was still able to maintain the order I desired, but I was unable to expand as I wanted to. It had the same consistency throughout, but that consistency was not as strong as I would have liked it to be. 2. Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? My overall structure is weak. I have transitions, but I don't have separate paragraphs, so all of my transitions are weak. I really need to work on my organization as a whole, as well as my time management, so that I can affectively answer prompts in essay form, instead of paragraphs. 3. Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? ([|DIH 2.4]) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? My overall essay is weak, but my evidence is there with some support, which could possibly help to persuade someone that my thoughts are correct. If I would have supported the following quote more affectively, then my essay as whole would be stronger and more interesting: "So is it really worth it to risk lives?" This seems to leave the topic very open ended, and my answer to this question is rather incomplete, as I was limited in time by this point. 4. In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. ([|DIH 2.4]) No, I do not support every claim, which is a problem throughout; however, at the beginning I made a solid attempt. "When shipping anything there is a risk of unwanted organisms coming along too, but the risk is increased when you are transporting living organisms themselves, as they "provide an increasing reservoir of potential invaders."(Source E) For example the balsam fir trees are deteriorating in population due to the accidental import of the balsam woolly adelgids insects (Source A), some organisms are just not meant to be in the same area for biological purposes. Sure survival of the fittest is always in act, but it does not take into account the influences of man, which could alter the entire biological system resulting in a collapsed food-chain that could end life if progressed to a certain point." 5. Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? ([|DIH 2.4], 31a 1 and 3) No, I did not cite the information using MLA format, but I did site the sources, as the College Board tells you to site any DBQ, and I made sure to explain and introduce the evidence as clearly as possible. 6. Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least? To some extent the sentences flow, but there are not multiple paragraphs, so one paragraph is not more coherent than the other. 7. Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? I developed my single paragraph body to the best of my ability with the time permitted, and the knowledge that I have obtained. 8. Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors? There are very few errors, except some spelling and comma mistakes. > Overall: 1. How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? I would definitely not say that my essay was interesting, as the subject is a rather dull topic, but if you are into foreign trade, and maybe even politics, it might be of some interest; however I think it is fair to say that not many outside those groups would find it interesting at all, and may even consider it to be boring. The repetitiveness of the subject itself is perhaps the main contributor to the overall dullness of the piece, as all the evidence for my argument seems to be paralleled and nearly the same story over and over. "The balsam fir trees are deteriorating in population due to the accidental import of the balsam woolly adelgids insects (Source A)," is completely parallel to "Crop-killing microbes worry farmers all over the world," something that I did not use, but that would be relevant. When you don’t have a variety of support, it is very difficult to make your evidence solid and keep your audience's attention. 2. How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why? Like I said "when you don’t have a variety of support, it is very difficult to make your evidence solid and keep your audience's attention," so I would not say that this essay was very successful.